Just a place to store Thoughts, Feelings, Ideas... Things I love.

Yeah. A fair while. well and update for the hell of it.

 

Had a job at a restaurant. Loved my work, Loved the people, the hours. I left though because i couldnt take the stress. i was tired of staring at the same walls every evening. and shit

 

Had a boyfriend fortwo weeks even though it means nothing. We hung out once, and when he finally spoke to me a week later, he dumped me. Something about being a great person buthe couldnt see uspulling the relationship off.

AKA i scared him away.Oh well. Sucks to be him. And me x.X

 

So, Life went on as it does. I left my job, and got a new one. Started antidepressants the same day i began my new job. THey worked enough to eliminate the cripplinganxiety i felt. which is good. but unfortunately my crippling depression is kicking in again and not being helped by them, so i get to go see the doctor tomorrow and get my flu shot, thyroid tested, maybe a new medication or a consultation with another doctor to determine if i'm bipolar.

 

i want to house sit tomorrow though. I dont trust the foolscoming in. So i have to call my appt in and ask if theres a later time i cango in or even go in the next day because we have stuff that could be stolen. and. I'd be fucking pissed.

 

and i had another boyfriend for24hrs. We hung out once, and when i spoke to him next, he dumped me.

 

what the hell am i  doing?

 

And im practically living with my friend andher mom. I liek it. Its nice going between homes.

 

I start a new jobtomorrow too. So i'lkl have two. but this is a seasonal position which means more money for xmas, so i dont care.

 

SO. Drama of the day.

 

Wanted laundry  But we been waiting hours. finally got it in. And then the back door was locked. Yay. Socame home. sat in a grump, then Mo woke up and se told me how to get through the front way and i was going to but there were some creeps outside so i came back and we went together.

 

Lucky for us, mo always keeps her phone with her, and some people started fighting while we were having a smoke and chat with another tenant. So we calledthe cops. they didnt show up because of some past idiocy tho. Oh man.

But i rememberthe man saying, You're fine, You're fine.Blahblahblah, I can't do it!

 

Thats all i remember.because then my focused changed

 

im so tired.and sad.

I feelworthless, lifeless. i want nothing. I keep thinking, its not worthit, why am i even here.

Why do i even bother.

Im tired of this existence.

It's your face I want to miss; That smiles a smile I want to kiss.

What I wouldn't give to kiss you,

What I'd do just so I wouldn't miss you.

been having funny dereams lately.

DOnt remember most of them

 

I remember last nights tho. Dreamt i was a native movin out of my homeland and my siblings and i established ourselves well in a new place. Brother went off to work for some creepy king in his gardens. blahblahblah

after i had to go retrieve him because my father had annoiunced tht we were going back to our homeland,

and then i had to like... avoid these effing carnivorous plants o-o;;;;;

Then i got to where my brother was and the story line changed.

I was trying to impress some priest, endedup going on a journey. Got stuck in a funny lit room and ended up makingout with my friend bradley...

 

 

I woke up a littel dizzy o_O;;;;;

 

it was just. wild.

 

Wonder what tonight will be eh?

If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
for I've never known completeness
like being here
wrapped in the warmth of you
loving every breath of you
still my heart this moment
oh it might burst

could we stay right here
till the end of time until the earth stops turning
wanna love you until the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for

all this time I've loved you
and never known your face
all this time I've missed you
and searched this human race
here is true peace
here my heart knows calm
safe in your soul
bathed in your sighs
wanna stay right here
till the end of time
till the earth stops turning
gonna love you until the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for

the one I've waited for

all I've known
all I've done
all I've felt was leading to this
all I've known
all I've done
all I've felt was leading to this

wanna stay right here
till the end of time till the earth stops turning
gonna love you till the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for

the one I've waited for
the one I've waited for

wanna stay right here
till the end of time 'till the earth stops turning
gonna love you till the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for

the one I've waited for
the one I've waited for

I love this song. Just love.

We feel dead.

Like we dissapeared off the edge of the universe and took our reality with us. just us, living in this dead land, the only ones who reply to us are those who have been dead for awhile too.

THe rest, we see and try to speak, but they do not hear.

Some who are half dead to.

We try to reach them, waiting for a halfhearted reply.

 

Where am i to feel like this? trapped in a home, in a book, in words.

In a feeling htat never leaves.

Vaguely heart broken.

Vaguely sad.

like i died with my desire, and now theres just an ache resting in my belly, in my throat. Making me feel sick. i felt it only once before.

 

i dont know how long i'll last

Feeling so absolutely dead.

Craving the light i touched so breifly, to feel the whole when im just a small half.

 

Scream, by LENE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y24k79

, ; effeh. ; , ~ www.43things.com says:

heyo.

Matt says:

yo

Matt says:

how goes?

, ; effeh. ; , ~ www.43things.com says:

right now.. wonderfully. you?

Matt says:

crappy, but let's hear your story first

, ; effeh. ; , ~ www.43things.com says:

its not so much a story. i just... reached some point of knowledge where i know that i'm happy. im working now, and i feel like i've accomplished more in almost a month than ever.... and im just happy to have family i love, friends to laugh with, tears to cry. i'm just. good. filled with love, compassion, all the good things i forgot to have these last few months

, ; effeh. ; , ~ www.43things.com says:

like a deep spring fed fountain unleashed in my soul.

Matt says:

anything is a story if you tell it compellingly, poetically, and thoughtfully

Matt says:

and that was beautifully phrased

, ; effeh. ; , ~ www.43things.com says:

whats even best is that thats how it feels. =D

, ; effeh. ; , ~ www.43things.com says:

i love writing for that purpose. i've written things from so deep that i barely recall them leaving my mouth, fingers or hands.

Matt says:

i've never experienced such a release.

, ; effeh. ; , ~ www.43things.com says:

we learnt it early, and we learnt it well. its a well earned tribute of trust, faith. stepping from beyond the self so that something great can fill a larger space.

Matt says:

you're so much better at that that i am

Matt says:

i can decribe appearance.. sound.. any of the five senses.. but yo describe feeling and i'm lost in it

, ; effeh. ; , ~ www.43things.com says:

thats as good a beginning than any.

, ; effeh. ; , ~ www.43things.com says:

feeling can be inspired from the other senses. what is description but feelings.

, ; effeh. ; , ~ www.43things.com says:

touch is a feeling of the physical, sight the feeling of the eye.

, ; effeh. ; , ~ www.43things.com says:

feelings without boundaries are daunting and frightening, and tis a brave soul that treads that path. even i get lost sometime. but i learnt not to fear what i feel, but to embrace and love it, for theres only room for love or fear in the heart, for they war fiercely if they cannot mix together.

we've been here so long. we've loved, we've lost.

we read the art of truth, the art of stories and tales.

fiction and non fiction. who's to say its not real?

 

we've spoken for days on end. those days you spent sleeping, weeping. we were having a conversation. why else does a cynical heart wake up three days later, still tired, but tender and soft?

Why else does thast heart weep to read a beatiful tale?

 

those days have been treasures. amongst your promises to write every word, we laugh knowing that you'll forget. you'll carry it in your heart, and you'll see things and remember. but you wont be able to write.

 

like the trinket you have in your hands. theone that fit so perfectly, so accidently.

you remember, dont you?

 

do you, the one reading these words from our sister's fingers, remember? a time so much larger than yourselves, it frightens you away...

 

can you feel it in your bones?

you silly little humans. oh we love you, our brothers and sisters. times come near, and some feel it.

some know it. few see it.

 

like my sister here, she sees a future. she worries to share it, for even in its beauty, it would burden a weaker soul.

 

its not your fault you cannot bear it. it's not to say you are any less mystical or divine. or beautiful. some just cannot bear what would be heavy knowledge. as its been for a long time,

 

this knowledge carries hope. slowly, this race might avert war. if not wholly, it might change it. shorten its path, lengthen it. whichever it chooses.

 

but we arent here to speak of that, are we?

yes, with a human mind asking us, enquiring, we go off on tangents.

 

but dear hearts. rejoice in the creation of your hands, thoughts, actions.

rejoice in what has been deemed small.

rejoice in whats around you for you may not wake up tomorrow, and the soul weeps to find it cannot feel.

dont be afraid to love, to jump.

dont be afraid to succeeed.

 

there are things ahead of you, that we cannot say for it is yours to discover, not ours to say.

 

oh little sister you want a better answer even thoguh you expected nothing more than what we've said.

love what your hands have wrought, and the bellies they'll fill, the backs they will clothe, the skin they will adorn. there is so much to do, and you never were one for big things.

take the small and embrace your future, becausein your life there will be more rewards in small happinesses than there ever is in the large. do not fret, do not worry about the rest of your life. we'll deal with it when we get there, and you'll not be alone.

 

and the answer to your question... while you worry about it getting in the way, if you apply yourself, this year can be for more than just experience and growth on one level.

this is a time of opportunity, it is a lull in your young life. may you find good joy in hard work, and determination to make your space sacred. put yourself in that white embrace, and learn to focus, now that you have been assured of the skills you can reap.

overcome the matter with the mind.

you can do it as fast or slow as you please.

ah yes. what about love?

 

well my dearest daughter.

there is much to say, but you know it all. in your heart, you know it.

there will be one, there will be many.

if you accept it, it will come.

 

dont worry, your time will never be wasted.

and give all a fair chance. just out of love, if not desire to be in their place.

 

dont worry, there will always be one to keep you grounded.

dont worry about dying alone. don't worry about going on unloved.

paitience is important for someone like you.

i daresay you've had plenty these years ofyour life, but flesh speaks for itself.

 

oh dear daughter, dearheart. rest and glory in yourself.

do not worry.

 

all will be well...

all will be well....

 

 

And so the world opened her heart and she could see.

 

Sight clouded.

 

Stories told, Stories lost.

 

Life is here, Never fear.

 

~Anon. Speaker

I swallowed the moon,

But it didnt stay.

It grew and it grewm

But my belly was in the way.

 

(I bled, I weeped,)

(I died because it was so deep)

 

My belly grew large,

The world became small.

I was so afraid it would consume us all.

 

A womans disgrace,

The moon went away.

 

It became a river of blood,

But it wasnt a son.

 

I bled, I weeped,

We died because it was so deep.

 

- A mother recounting her pregnancy, and the death of her and her newborn daughter.

As I cradle a crying soul in my arms, and sing to his heart I remember the tenderness of a male at school.

Twice, has my heart cracked.....

 

Tenderness is such a precious thing.

This person.... Opened his arms. Wide. and willingly, tenderly, accepted the being rushing forward to hug him and smile in his face....

 

Remarkable? TO everyone else, prolly not.

 

But the girl who went to him wasnt girlfriend.

 

Remarkable yet?

 

I think so.

 

The amount of tenderness is amazing when at this age, its reserved for... well. Significant others. Usually.

I don't... hold back. I am tender with many people. But I'm smart enough to know I'm not quite a normal person.

Not Quite.

 

And so the heart creaked and cracked at the way tenderness poured out, as my tears flowed the same.

I called out to a friend, screaming my hearts sorrows(in my mind) and they didnt hear. No one heard.

 

I felt... Sad. So Sad. So Lonely. Lost.

 

I miss David.

 

I'm Stuck. Lost. Tired.

 

And I yearn to feel the tenderness from that persons arms, as they wrap around me and hold me, and the ease of smiling in his face...

 

If only I was comfortable around straight males...